I really need to write about this. If someone decides to read my blog, I will probably delete it, but I need to get this down on paper so it will be finished.
In my first blog, I pretty much ranted about my husband and his lack of pretty much everything. I can’t deny the fact that I fell out of love with him a long time ago, like years. It’s a gradual process, still going on, until someday I am sure I will wake up one morning, look at him, and feel nothing. That doesn’t mean I would leave him. It just means I will search for companionship elsewhere. I already don’t tell him about anything I care about. He tramples all over it, either by actually making fun or ignoring me. I’m tired of feeling like a dented, old tin pot. Did I turn into a dented old tin pot and not know it? I don’t think so.
Quote of a text from my friend Kevin, who flirts with me for some odd reason and taught me how to flirt back:
Kevin: Happy New Year to you too…Now if only I had someone to give a new years kiss to.
Me: You are so sweet 🙂 Give all your nieces and nephews and your mom a hug for me, k?
Kevin: Ok. What about you though?
And that is where I lost it. I think he was saying that I matter to him, what I care about he cares about, and he cares about me. I whimpered for a while, and I didn’t know what to say. Maybe he didn’t really mean it the way I took it, but perhaps I have been so beaten down for so long that I was grasping at straws. Finally, I text back.
Me: I’ll be here snuggled in a blanket on the couch wishing that in 2013 you will find someone who deserves you.
Maybe that was a dumb thing to say, but it was all I could get out. I have to say that perhaps Kevin is my best friend. With Karla and Michelle and Brenda right up there, too, though.
Kevin taught me how to flirt and just have fun with it. There is no way we will ever do anything beyond that, and that’s how it should be. But having best girlfriends is one thing, having a best guy friend seems to indicate that there is something wrong with your marriage. Shouldn’t your husband be your best friend? Of course he should. I have yet to meet someone who feels that way about her husband. I’m sure they are out there, but I bet the ratio of amazing marriages to barely-hanging-on marriages is miniscule.
And so we get to the point of what I want to talk about. I have never had a crush on anyone since before I got married. I would sometimes fantasize about romance novel heroes, writing stories in my head as I fell asleep every night, but never a real person that I knew. I always knew what the perfect guy would be like, and I’m sure he’s the same guy a lot of women wish for. Outgoing, funny, caring, and expressive, yet confident and capable. No major hang-ups…and a man who shares your world view and thinks you are precious. Someone who truly needs me to be with him. And then I meet Michael.
I think I finally have Michael out of my system. It’s been a year and a half since I met him, and he struck me at the very first with his amazing easy laugh. He makes me laugh, too, and he told me once he thought I was a stitch. He’s my age, plus a month. He was having some personal issues at the time we started talking, and he seemed to think I could help him. I tried, but probably all I ended up doing was listening, since I couldn’t really be of much help to him except to encourage him to hang in there and move on.
When your husband is basically ignoring you, it’s so easy to gravitate toward anyone who seems to care about you. Michael and I became friends, and it was hard not to imagine him as more than a friend. Finally, though, I think I have put that box in the reality closet and I’m ready to move on. First, it was talking to him that made me see reason, and now it is not talking to him that has helped even more. He needs to move on with Sandy, his new girlfriend, and I need to focus on what I have here and now, and the people I love.
What I see now in Michael is a man who does not really meet the basic requirements. I glossed over all the hard truth to make a believable fantasy, something that made my problems seem more bearable. Michael is great. He’s caring, funny, expressive, and not afraid to talk about his feelings or what’s bothering him. He’ll go out of his way to help you, or do whatever he can to make your life easier. He doesn’t do anything halfway. The job has to be his best or he does it over. But in the basic requirements, he’s just not there. He doesn’t seem to want to go to church, even occasionally. He smokes, drinks, cusses, and though I don’t blame him for losing his job, not in this economy, he hasn’t made much progress toward finding a new one. He seems to be like a house boyfriend now for Sandy, at least doing a lot of the cooking. He stays at her house a lot, which could suggest that his morals aren’t real great.
Those are deal-breakers for me. Not that there was ever a deal in the first place, but in my head there certainly could have been. There is an awful lot to the story that I haven’t said, because it would just take too much time, but the whole point is that I need to be happy with myself, and be content with what I have, and find meaning and purpose where I am. I will not let my husband stifle me from those goals. I am my own person, and if he chooses not to love me for who I am, that’s his problem. I won’t leave him, because he’s basically a nice guy. If I have secrets from him, I really think it’s his own fault for not listening to me when I try to tell him what they are.
I have never met or spoken with Sandy, but I hope and pray that she and Michael are good for each other, and that they love each other enough to marry and make each other happy for a long time. I’m fine with that. I’m fine being friends with Michael, too. It’s like my friendship with Kevin. I believe that men and women can be friends with nothing else going on, even if other people might disagree with me.
LIke Karla, there is nobody else for me. If I missed the boat with David, then I just missed the boat, but it was a ride I was never sure I wanted to take anyway. Michael did not cause my emotional estrangement from my husband. Michael helped me see that there are ways to reach out to everyone and accept friendship in the unlikeliest places. Chances are good that I won’t talk much to Michael anymore, but I will treasure the memories of the fun we had.
Because they are in the closet, after all. Filed away, but not forgotten.