So Be It

So the drama continues, though I think my part in it is over. Barb and Bev are just going to have to work it out.

I texted Barb and told her I would be calling her. I tried, but as I expected, her phone was turned off. This morning, I got a very long text from her, basically saying, “butt out.” Here is the text she sent, just so I can remember what it says because I deleted it off my phone.

Nobody called me in December and now everyone wants me to call and work things out. I DON”T THINK SO. All we have to say is that Bev needs to fix what she started and make sure my kid isn’t homeless. If we needed help we would have asked. She only made things worse. We feel betrayed. We want everyone to just leave us alone and stay out of our family business. We didn’t have gossip and drama till Bev moved back.

So many things wrong with all this, on both sides. Betrayal is a pretty strong word, and I think it’s a little extreme in this situation. So much judgement and lack of communication, assumptions and selfishness.

She obviously loves Doug — look at all the “we’s” in the text she sent. They agree on everything. I don’t know either of them well enough to judge their motives. Leave town at Christmas time to go off on a last minute vacation and leave all the people you love over the holiday? Sure, honey, whatever you say. Maybe they did it because they really didn’t want to be with us, or with Bev, and breathe air heavy with familial disapproval. I could understand that. Bev can be judgemental, for sure. It seems like the closer you are to someone, the more you feel the need to judge and criticize them. Nick approached Bev for help, she helped him. Who knows what he said to her to convince her to do it? But she should have touched base with Barb before she did anything…mostly to make sure that Nick wasn’t behaving childishly and asking his aunt for something his mother had already refused to do, for whatever reason.

There is the whole “step-parent dynamic” at work here, too. I believe that in an intact family, the husband/wife relationship comes before the parent/child relationship. If everything is working the way it is supposed to work, that relationship hierarchy provides the most stable base for the children. That’s a whole issue in itself. But when you are married to someone who is not the parent of your children, your children have to come first. There is no other way to work it out, not for the sake of the children.

Bev should pay the bill, in my opinion. She should pay it now, and not let it go to court. She thinks she will get the money out of Nick somehow. She won’t. Barb was right when she said that this is Bev’s problem and she needs to take care of it.

I will leave Barb alone, since that is what she wants. Life goes on, seasons change. When we grew up, we never saw family any more, cousins, brothers and sisters, grandparents. Now our children are growing up, and the cycle continues. The family unit, with my dad as the patriarch, is giving way to our own family units and our own grandchildren. That’s just life. There isn’t time to stay truly connected with everyone you meet in your life. You do what you can, but your own family’s needs have to be met first.

I hate drama. I don’t deal well with it because I am a very non-confrontational person. I listen and nod my head because that’s what people want.  I have my own opinions, but I never share them unless I am specifically asked what I think. I don’t divulge many details about myself because I can’t bear the thought of being ignored or pitied. Sometimes, I have good discussions with my girlfriends, who are also my coworkers. Karla is an amazing friend, and never afraid to share her innermost thoughts and ask me about mine. Monique and I had a great time sharing a hotel room at the conference, talking well into the night about anything and everything — not personal stuff, like Karla, but still good.

If I knew Barb and Bev in real life, not as family, but as acquaintances, I’m pretty sure we would not be very close friends. So be it.


One thought on “So Be It

  1. Pingback: Seeds of Obedience | marsocmom

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