Don’t Look Down

Even though I spent most of yesterday snuffling back tears, I managed to have an enjoyable time with my sister and family when we took her out to eat for her birthday.

She is living with her boyfriend now, however unofficially, so we don’t see her much these days. She’ll be back after Easter, though, and will stay with Dad again for a week or so while her boyfriend flies home to visit his family. I think she will be spending lots of time at my house while she is here, because she can’t exist cheerfully without having something to organize. She is thrilled to be able to help me set up my craft room and sort through old boxes of junk. She’s also good at Ebay and Craig’s list, so perhaps we can get some of the spare furniture and nicer homeschool books out of the house, finally. Does anyone even use those huge computer hutches anymore?

It was so much fun to go out to dinner with them, and it cheered me up. It was great to talk with normal people who are capable of actual conversation. Here we go now, into a borderline rant, so if you would like to bow out now, I will understand.

Saturday, David wanted to go to town and get some new jeans. Now, maybe it is a girl thing, but I am able to pick out my own jeans. David needed my help from start to finish. “What size do I wear?” he asked me at one point. I had to just take a deep breath and think happy thoughts. One happy thought was that the store was having a sale, and if we bought two pairs of jeans, we got any other item free. I came home with a new sweater out of the deal.

After shopping, we went out for lunch at a Chinese buffet that David’s coworkers have been raving about for months. The food was really good, and even though it was just lunch, they still served tons of seafood, steamed mussels, tons of shrimp dishes, and something I had never seen before, little baby clams, I don’t really know what they were. A lot of Oriental people were eating them like popcorn, and the sound of the metal spoon in the metal buffet dish with the clam shells bumping around like marbles in a dish was really exotic. They also had a Mongolian grill thing going on one end of the buffet. We are going to have to come back and try that at one point, David hadn’t realized it was there and he was disappointed to have missed it.

I enjoyed the food, but David spend the whole meal telling me all about the teams that were going to make the NCAA finals and why. I heard about the history of basketball, why he likes college sports better than professional sports, and what will happen to any team unlucky enough to meet Gonzaga anywhere along the line. We left for home after lunch, and I drove because he was tired and slept most of the way.

Yesterday morning, I was cooking him breakfast and decided to test him, just one more time. I thought of something I had done over the weekend that might impress him, and, keeping it to a couple short sentences, told him about it. “Oh?” he said. From there, he told me about something similar that he had accomplished. And that’s what got me started whimpering.

It’s very insignificant on the surface, but it has happened repeatedly for 27 years. I have approached him in the past about needing him to listen to me, and it worked for a couple days, but it never lasts. I gave up, for a long time, but I am ready now to bring it up again.

Because he does not listen to me, I have come to believe I have nothing worth saying to anyone. I notice my behavior around my family and friends, and I wish I could just laugh and talk with them freely, like I used to do. So sometime this week, I’m going to pick a time to bring it up and see what reaction I get. He does not like to talk about our relationship. It’s another of those things, like the DVD player, that if it won’t work, he has no idea how to fix it and it frustrates him.

This is my last effort to tell him that I am broken and I need his help to fix things. Apart from being a little afraid to bring it up, wondering how he will respond, I am a little excited. It needs to be said..then we will move on in whatever direction it takes us.

So stay tuned…A week from today, I leave for a three day conference for work, where I will be expected to open up and participate and build a project with four other people. It will be so good for me. And good for him, too, to be without me for a few days and have to join the ranks of those who know how to cook a frozen pizza.

Onward and upward. Don’t look down.

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