A Resolute Heart

ImageHere’s a shot of my buddy Jake from a few days ago, pausing briefly from cleaning out the birdfeeder to stare me down. Spring is coming! Not much snow left, it was a nice enough day to walk through the garden and see what’s going to be blooming in a few weeks.

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Here’s what we woke up to this morning…after two days of cold, snowy weather. I think it’s spring, I catch glimpses of it every few days. I refuse to shovel the driveway again. I think David’s theory of snow removal has now become my own — it will melt.

Who doesn’t love a quiz? I took this quiz at twoofus.org, and discovered that I am a Resolute Heart. Reading through all the traits of a resolute heart, that is me to a tee, and I feel better knowing that some of the things I had previously deduced about myself were, in fact, true.

This week with my husband has been better. We never actually talked, like I had planned, but I think the fact that I was just nearly at the end of my rope caused my behavior to change unconsciously. There was nothing else to lose, and honestly, if I lost it, it would not have really bothered me a whole lot.

My husband is pretty great, actually. He is chatty, easy-going, and very laid back. It’s just those quirky personality things that will drive you crazy after a while. When we were dating, I loved that we would talk on the phone for hours. Looking back, I imagine that he was the one doing most of the talking, but at that point I thought it was charming. My own father hardly said boo to my mother or us, unless it was to complain about his job. Perhaps it was because my mother was the one who took charge of things and even though she wasn’t the kind to run away with a conversation, she held her own for the family during any get-togethers. Now that she is gone, I see my dad reaching out for the companionship for which he used to rely so heavily on my mother. It’s provided me with new insight into the male psyche…and why so many people say that the woman is usually the stronger of the two, as far as relationships go, anyway.

I think David sensed me pulling away. He’s been very considerate this week, very attentive to what I may or may not be needing. Or, he may just be feeling a sense of terror setting in over the fact that I leave for my conference this afternoon and will not set foot in the house again for four days. He will be doing my job for those four days, and though I plan to leave a big pan of lasagne and a breakfast casserole, I think it will be good to let him be in charge of his own life for a while, instead of depending on me so much.

That’s what I want. That is the ultimate goal…to have a husband who is a full partner in life, who can be my best friend and my sounding board. To have someone I can lean on when I am tired or hurt, and someone I can trust with my heart. But to have that, I need to be that for him as well.

My Resolute Heart is frustrated because I am being a wimp. For heaven’s sake, I am old enough to be someone’s grandmother…when will there be a better time to speak up and make my wishes known? Whatever happens, all I can control is me: my words, my actions, and my attitudes. Retreating makes things worse. Seems like, if you keep your Band-Aid on, the wound won’t heal as fast as if you open it up to the air and let it scab over. Eww. But that’s it in a nutshell.

I can feel the insecurity creeping in on me, as I get ready to leave for my conference today. I will just have to dig deep and put whatever I have out there on the line. If I can help, I can help, if not, I will just have to learn how to do it better next time.

I’m pretty sure Jake and his girlfriend will be fine without me for a few days. And perhaps the snow will be gone by the time I’m ready to come home again.

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